how my day ended

I think what is sometimes better than receiving gifts is just having the acknowledgment and knowing that someone cares enough to do something for you.  I got to my room today and found a “happy graduation” letter from my Grandpa on my desk.  After reading it, I wasn’t able to hold back the tears-not because of the check he included with the card, but because this is the first time I have ever received anything just from him.  And that meant more to me than the money.  When I was little and my Grandma was still alive, she would do all the gifts and cards.  After her death, I could tell that everything from my Grandpa was really just from my aunt Bonnie, who just wrote his name on it.  But this time, it was from him.  The card was written in his handwriting. Even the envelope. And that made my day.

Expectations

“When your love is pure or spiritual, there is no demand, no expectation. There is only the sweetest feeling of spontaneous oneness with the human being or beings concerned.”

- Sri Chinmoy

Social anthropologists often describe many human relationships like a contract – we give our love to a person and at the same time we subconsciously place all kinds of expectations on that person which we want them to fulfill. And then when the other person fails to sufficiently satisfy our demands (which will definitely happen from time to time – we’re all imperfect) we feel let down and angry with the person, our insecurity and fear of not being loved come to the fore, and we often resort to some kind of emotional manipulation to try and get them to fulfill our demands.

True love, on the other hand is like the sun. The sun shines its rays and gives its warmth to all, without anything in return. This may sound like naivety, but when we live in the heart we feel exactly like the sun does – we just want spread our love and goodwill anywhere we can. With this kind of love we have detachment – we have no fixed ideas about what way this love should be taken by others, the mere act of giving love satisfies our heart immensely.

I know that I sometimes have difficulty with this – I think everyone does from time to time. It’s very difficult for me, as I am a person who bases all of my happiness on other people and their perception of me.  But, I believe if I work on not expecting so much from others and still loving, I will be a much happier person.

goodbye love.

Sunday was the last showing of Love is a 4 Letter Word. I’m going to miss this show a lot. It has been such an amazing experience for me in so many ways. I made some incredible new friends. I learned so much from Heather, Cammie, and Mae Ann. And I realized how much I really do love acting and late night rehearsals and tech week… everything. And to think, I almost didn’t try out. (I have Tim to thank for pushing me)

“On Tidy Endings” was an experience in itself. I learned so much about the play and PUC’s reaction to homosexuality. Most people came up to me saying it was such an intense play and that they were really glad it was performed. Most were shocked it even was performed. I can understand that from their perspective; even I was fairly hesitant about taking on this role. But, I have absolutely no regrets. This play is not a glorification of homosexuality–it is a story about love, life, and letting go. And it was amazing.