terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.

Today was a horrible horrible day for me.  I am graduating this June and for the past couple months have been trying to decide what to do after school.  I finally started to put some plans together, and my parents decide they want to “give me some advice,” which really means we don’t like the decision you made and want you to do something else.  Don’t get me wrong, I understand that my parents are only trying to protect me and guide me.  Yet, their choices for my life are not what I want to do right now.  The hardest part about all of this is that I always try to take my parents advice and do what they tell me to because I want them to be happy with me. I am a people pleaser, I know this. So, it is a very big deal for me to go against their advice and do my own thing.  But, I have thought long and hard about this for months now and believe that my decision is good.  It is important that my parents support my decisions… but even if they don’t support this one, I’m still going to do it. It’s both liberating and terrifying at the same time. 

sick day

I am taking a sick day from class and from work. Am I just running away from my problems? I don’t know. I just need time to think and put things into perspective. Last night I didn’t get any answers. Nothing was resolved. But I know what I want…I think. I wish I wasn’t so over dramatic. I wish a lot of things actually, but thats kind of how I am in life. Maybe I’m never completely satisfied with things. But the thing is, I want to be. I really do. I am trying my damned hardest to be…its just hard when the other person is telling you not to.

Honestly, I don’t know what I want anymore.  And the fact that I have someone who is so worried about me and wants me to accomplish so much just makes me love him even more. Seriously. So, I did something today that I really haven’t done before… I looked at graduate schools. All the deadlines are passed for next year, which I expected anyway, but I still wanted to look at options. For now, because I have no residency at the moment, I’m thinking about moving out to CA (and no, not just for that reason, but it’s a good incentive). If I move out to CA, I will have legal residency and only have to pay in-state tuition ($9,651…which of course will go up). For the next year I can take more literature classes and work a lot, and then maybe by the following year, apply to Davis. It’s a long shot, I know, but I think I’d have a chance. And it’s also a lot of money, but it’s a heck of a lot less than PUC. lol.

I don’t know. It’s an option I’m thinking of taking. I don’t want to leave here. I don’t want to give up. And if I can do both, then that is awesome. …But who knows what will happen, all this is way in the future.