sick day

I am taking a sick day from class and from work. Am I just running away from my problems? I don’t know. I just need time to think and put things into perspective. Last night I didn’t get any answers. Nothing was resolved. But I know what I want…I think. I wish I wasn’t so over dramatic. I wish a lot of things actually, but thats kind of how I am in life. Maybe I’m never completely satisfied with things. But the thing is, I want to be. I really do. I am trying my damned hardest to be…its just hard when the other person is telling you not to.

Honestly, I don’t know what I want anymore.  And the fact that I have someone who is so worried about me and wants me to accomplish so much just makes me love him even more. Seriously. So, I did something today that I really haven’t done before… I looked at graduate schools. All the deadlines are passed for next year, which I expected anyway, but I still wanted to look at options. For now, because I have no residency at the moment, I’m thinking about moving out to CA (and no, not just for that reason, but it’s a good incentive). If I move out to CA, I will have legal residency and only have to pay in-state tuition ($9,651…which of course will go up). For the next year I can take more literature classes and work a lot, and then maybe by the following year, apply to Davis. It’s a long shot, I know, but I think I’d have a chance. And it’s also a lot of money, but it’s a heck of a lot less than PUC. lol.

I don’t know. It’s an option I’m thinking of taking. I don’t want to leave here. I don’t want to give up. And if I can do both, then that is awesome. …But who knows what will happen, all this is way in the future.

how to screw an audition

Auditions for Iphigenia 2.0 was tonight. Pretty much did awful. All those years my parents told me to be soft-spoken have now backfired. I have absolutely no vocal range, which makes things very difficult. No one wants an actress who they can’t hear. I auditioned for Clytemnestra and the bridesmaid. After pretty much blowing my Clytemnestra audition (not saying things correctly, messing up lines, not hitting the words right), Mei Ann tells me that whether or not I did well, my voice is a problem – which translates to: We can’t use you cause your voice sucks. The bridesmaid audition went a little better. I ran through my lines pretty well…. but I still don’t feel that great about it. I think another problem is that there is only 5 speaking parts for women, and about 30 women auditioning. Effff….

Ok, I ranted. And now, I’m just going to let it go. If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be….

goodbye love.

Sunday was the last showing of Love is a 4 Letter Word. I’m going to miss this show a lot. It has been such an amazing experience for me in so many ways. I made some incredible new friends. I learned so much from Heather, Cammie, and Mae Ann. And I realized how much I really do love acting and late night rehearsals and tech week… everything. And to think, I almost didn’t try out. (I have Tim to thank for pushing me)

“On Tidy Endings” was an experience in itself. I learned so much about the play and PUC’s reaction to homosexuality. Most people came up to me saying it was such an intense play and that they were really glad it was performed. Most were shocked it even was performed. I can understand that from their perspective; even I was fairly hesitant about taking on this role. But, I have absolutely no regrets. This play is not a glorification of homosexuality–it is a story about love, life, and letting go. And it was amazing.

life is an adventure

Today has been a good day. All too often I’ve been feeling drained, rushed, stressed… so today was definitely needed. I think I am too worrisome and stressed out a majority of the time. It doesn’t help that my parents badger me about a lot of things, but I know they are only looking out for me. I wish I just had all the answers in front of me on what to do and how to do it…. but its probably a good thing that I don’t. It makes life more of an adventure. I’m not saying I’ve come up with any answers. In fact, I haven’t come up with any at all. But I may have come to the conclusion that I’m going to stop myself from worrying about everything and just enjoy things as they come. I’ll deal with everything else when I need to. And why worry, really? I have amazing friends, supporting family, a wonderful boyfriend, will soon be done with school and be able to do whatever I want…. I should be happy with that, shouldn’t I?

And as for today, its not like anything special happened. I slept in, watched grey’s anatomy, did laundry, and worked on a paper. I hung out with Cammie and watched one of my most favorite movies, Amelie. Plus, I’m performing tonight and I know we’ll totally rock it again.

I just need to learn to stop worrying. Everything will be okay… won’t it?

I would rather be ashes than dust.
I would rather that my spark
would burn out in a brilliant blaze
than be stifled by dry-rot.
I would rather be a superb meteor,
every atom of me in magnificent
glow, than a sleepy and permanent
planet.

The function of man is to live,
not to exist. I shall not waste
my days trying to prolong them.
I shall use my
TIME.

love makes the world go round

It’s not Valentine’s Day anymore, but I decided to make a V-Day post anyway. This year, it was spent in Stauffer Hall as I rehearsed for 6 hours… but to be honest, I really enjoyed it. I’m going to miss this play so much once it’s over. I’ll miss working with Jonathan, Zoe, and Harrison a LOT. I am so tempted to try out for Iphigenia 2.0!! (Unfortunately work is a higher priority).

Anyway, I’ve never been too big with the whole Valentine’s Day thing, mostly because nothing great has ever occurred on that day for me. So, it was pretty awesome when my boyfriend gave me a bronze and black cast-iron tea pot. =) Seriously, you have no idea how damn sweet that is. I absolutely love it!

I think another reason why I’m not into the frilly chocolate and balloons of Valentine’s Day is because it’s just a ploy from stores to buy more crap (don’t get me wrong, I like flowers as much as the next girl) ….but apparently this will show each other how much you love and care for them. But, shouldn’t we be doing that every day? Why should one day be more significant than all the rest to show each other how much you care for them? That’s why I’m not too keen on the whole Valentine’s Day thing. If you truly care and love someone, you can prove it by how you act towards them. If you’re saving it for one special day, however, you’re just a phony.

Some days I live for someone else
I can’t tell you what I feel,
what I felt
an hour ago or even in the last few minutes
you take my mind and
spin it and I don’t want to slow back down.

I won’t stray; you’ve found
the way to keep me;
and I’m living at such high velocity
that I may permanently leave the ground.
Ethereal; this wrapped sound
in the sky.
You take my mind and spin it and I don’t want to slow back down

And I may never want to get off the ride,
I may never want to come back inside.
And you can bet you’re on my mind,
In the music and brushstrokes and sky.
And you don’t even have to try